The computer, she make-a me stoopid

Things that have happened to me in the last week in connection with “dooin computa stuff fer peeple”.

I wrote, on a customer’s visit report, after driving for two and a half hours to get there: “System destroyed by squirrels“.  This was factually correct.


Job ticket #17168:

Colleague:  Ian, any chance you can sort this problem for me now, only I need it done and I’ve been waiting since yesterday morning.

Ian: [checks job ticket – “Move J’s monitor/screen to new position in the office”]  Yep, no problem, I can do it now.  Where do you want the monitor moving to?

Colleague: Can you move it so it’s in the middle of my desk?

Ian surveys monitor, which on the right of the desk,  pauses, then contemptuously sweeps pile of papers from main body of the desk ‘accidentally’ onto floor with hand and drags monitor from the right-hand side of the desk to the middle of the desk.  Total distance of move: 6 inches.  Time to complete move: 11.5 seconds including annoyed snorty sniffing sound.

Ian: How’s that?

Colleague: Er, perfect, much better.  Is that all I needed to do then?

Ian: [growling] Yes. [Walks out, appreciable flounce in footsteps].



22 thoughts on “The computer, she make-a me stoopid

  1. Gemmak – your over-confidence at this stage is ill-advised. 😉

    Lisa – growling is a useful part of the IT armoury. When used properly it can express many things in relation to technology that “normal” people find hard to grasp. For example: “Gr rrr rrrrr” means “yes, floppy discs are no longer a viable method of data storage”. “Grrrrr rrrrr rr” means “the reason you could not see anything on your screen is because you had turned it off at the power socket”. Let us not forget the ever-useful “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr” (high pitched with a slight gurgle) which is the correct response to “I hope you don’t mind me phoning you at home, I know it’s late but my printer is not working and I wondered if you’d have any idea what I can do to fix it”.

    Fletch: It’s true, they were not part of the original script. I have no idea if they were searching for root. [obscure geeky Unix joke].

    Brennig: That just shows a lack of gastronomic ambition.

  2. It is possible to invent an idiot-proof system however, in my experience, nature then immediately evolves and produces a more advanced kind of idiot thus obsoleting the system. Welcome to the world of computers. 🙂

  3. what kind of organisation thinks it needs techies to move monitors? ah, I know, a public sector one – got to keep everyone busy!

    I haven’t a clue what you and Fletch are talking about but then that’s why you IT types can command the wonder and awe that you do!

    visiting from Gemmak

  4. Ah, we’re a private sector company so no excuses there!

    Fletch and I don’t have a clue what we’re talking about either – it’s a plot to ensure our salaries remain at the correct and proper stratospheric level. ThinkGeek T-shirts are expensive.

  5. Oi… Stum!!!! We don’t want users knowing that we’re just blagging it dude!

    And, “In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King!” ;o)

    Ciao Ciao

  6. *** Edukashunal intalewd ***

    Crack-| …. translation by request for the non-geeky-freaky:

    “|” in Unix/Linux is called the “pipe” character;

    Therefore “crack-|” is a “crack pipe”.

    You see what we did there? 🙂

    I could explain what a Unix “|” actually does but your head would explode if you’re only a lipstick wanna-be fake geek and not a *real* geek who has cerebral tissues protected by layers of cholesterol, caffeine and junk food. Honestly, it’s not worth the risk – we need normal people to be safe and functional so we can poke fun at them for having ugly T-shirts.

  7. My favourite question from an end-user always starts out with “I have a non-work-related question for you….” where they then proceed to ask the inevitable… “My computer at home is…[a terrible mess]. What should I do? I defragged last year, and now it’s acting odd.” (grrrr)

    It’s ok when it’s a friend (or family), but when it’s just a random someone in the office, my response is normally, “I would take a look at your computer, but I have a small child at home and I have no time. Go ask Ben. He has no small children.”

    Of course, most of my friends are geeks, so that really gets me out of any troubleshooting, unless a certain person’s registry fails… then I troubleshoot, call my favourite programmer, and we say collectively, “Yes, just send us your drive. We’ll fix it when it arrives.”


  8. You only have friends who are geeks? Then you’re not a geek – geeks don’t have friends they only have virtual friends (and they are not even called friends they are called “clan members”).

  9. That had me laughing out loud – some people are just too technophobic … or… exist in places that are so full of red tape that they don’t feel enabled to make simple things happen like moving a monitor or something… just in case something goes wrong (we have that a bit here – if certain protocols aren’t followed, the IT dept can put their arms in the air and can say “you didn’t wait for us, it’s your problem, good luck!” )

    have a good weekend

  10. Well we don’t really place massive restrictions on what people can do although last week we did have to start blocking most forms of web surfing once we discovered that 75% of the web traffic was to Facebook, Hotmail, BBC streaming radio (!!) and some god-awful instant chat program which even described itself as an alpha version on its own website and warned users to expect bugs and “serious problems”. Nice.

    This said, they are definitely allowed to move their monitors around a bit on their desk. 🙂 It’s the age-old problem of people not turning their brain on when faced with a computer because they seem to think they are these mythical things that work in ways they can’t possibly hope to understand. 😦

  11. Heh, I’d settle for having people that don’t hammer the enter key repeatedly when the screen says “please wait”. Even better if they stop using their forehead to do the hammering. But enough about my boss..

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