I am not a Tudor King…

Life, it seems, can get more freaky.

A week ago I stubbed my middle-toe on a chair leg.  Quite amazingly clutzy when you consider I actually only have one thing in my flat that could reasonably called “a chair” but nevertheless I managed to find it with my toe, unexpectedly, accurately, painfully.  A few short swearwords and a bit of hobbling later and I was fine.

The following day – a nice black blood blister.  To quote a friend: “owie”.  But no pain, all good; the body doing its self-healing thing.

Then, on Friday, I woke up with my “big” toe *really* hurting like I’d stubbed that one too.  Slightly weird because I didn’t recall doing anything to it – I had first noticed it being sore maybe on Wednesday at the earliest, far too late in the day to be related to stubbing the other toe.  A slight limpy walking style was required in order to not make girly “ouch” noises in my head.  By Friday afternoon my foot was throbbing with nastiness.  Cue a weekend of hobbling and I woke on Monday to discover that my foot was definitely swollen, sore and it was now necessary for me to definitely limp and turn the sole of my foot to one side to avoid the ball of the big toe from touching the ground.  Not…..good…..

By this morning I knew I was going to have to get a Doctor to look at it.  The other toe still had its little black blood blister on it but felt 100 percent fine but the big toe looked like I’d had a toe transplant and the donor had been 8 sizes bigger than me with very chubby feet.  The whole foot felt like it had been pumped up and the skin was straining to hold in the contents.  Ewww.

So I got one of my colleagues to drop me off at A & E in our local hospital.  Thankfully I thought to bring a book with me, knowing that despite it being a problem to me the foot was not *really* up there in the league of “quick Doctor we better do someting before she blows” and therefore could be in for what we term in the trade ‘a bit of a wait’.  [Pseud’s note: the book was “A portrait of the the artist as a young man” by James Joyce – an odd but interesting book and prosaic style].

So, triaged within ten minutes, and then a loooooong wait for an A & E consultant; a jolly Jamaican (or maybe Trindadian) who wore a lovely purple shirt that I secretly admired and some outlandish braces to hold his trousers up.

Lots of prodding.  Lots of flexing of painful toe.  Needles.  Blood taken (I am ghoulish and like to watch them do it, a process I never find scary or painful which I think might be a little odd).  Then off for a digital X-ray to show the toe is not broken and to confirm that I have…..gout.


GOUT!  I thought this was something Henry VIII had; an affliction of rotund 1950s pipe-smokers who swill Congnac and huff about truffles in their ‘club’.  Not 21st century computer programmers.  So much for Berocca.

So I have now Googled Gout and discovered that 2 million Americans suffer from it – women and men – none of whom are currently occupying the Tudor throne and many of whom, one assumes, are pefectly normal weight and do not gargle with expensive brandies on a regular basis.  According to the A & E consultant there are more and more people getting gout.  Really?

One of the contributing elements towards gout is vitamin B in the form of niacin.  A bit interesting since the Berocca tablets (fizzy disolvable vitamins) contain shedloads of vitamin B as does….Marmite (or Brown Sludge to apply the correct taxonomy according to a friend from Nebraska).  Red wine is bad too and red meat.  So are rich cheeses like French cheese…..

Bugger.  😀


28 thoughts on “I am not a Tudor King…

  1. Sounds like you may be eating some tofu and vegetables in the near future, and perhaps drinking some milk instead of wine. It’s doable, yes? 🙂

    I’m glad you went to the doctor this morning. I hope the pain is going away quickly. It’s a good day for lounging around and doing not much of anything. 🙂


  2. Tofu is the tool of The Devil – fact. 😉

    Yes I suppose I *might* have to tone down the opulent consumption although cheeringly he did say that changing diet is unlikely to make much of a difference – “moderation in the trigger groups is recommended”. Oh goody.

  3. Tofu is not the tool of the devil, in all actuality. It takes on the flavour (as you know) of what you soak it in. This does not mean that you should soak it in beer, mind you, or red wine, I suppose. I wonder what tofu tastes like in bolognese sauce? (Ok, I am not making a good case for tofu now)

    Being amongst 2 million Americans.. At least you’re trying to fit in. I know you’re trying to be multi-cultural, but can we pick something healthier next time, like.. oh… drinking Kool-Aid?

  4. Tofu in Bolognaise sauce is excellent! But you have to crank up the temperature else it gets squidgy. However I digress…

    Sympathy on your pain, punctuation.

    I used to work with a guy in London who had gout – he too was not a Tudor (nor any other kind of) King.

    Did have an over fondness of Guinness and steak though…

  5. Lisa: I’ve heard grape Kool-Aid is nice 😉

    Sammy: Ewww indeed plus, may I add, “owie”. Plus the anti-gout tablets seem to give me a headache…nice. 🙂

    Brennig: Funnily enough I don’t drink a huge amount of The Black Stuff although I am known from time to time to have one when the mood takes me. I suspect one of the things I will have to look at is red wine. I don’t eat steak *that* often…honest. I have eaten tofu quite a lot in the past (and used to drink soya milk too and still regularly drink Miso) and if things have to change I’m cool with the idea really.

    Gout is a bizarre thing – based on my very brief experience of it – it’s painful but not seriously so, annoying rather than debillitating but the best thing about it appears to be that the symptoms are likely to last a few days to a week at most. All in all, if you’re going to get something wrong with you it’s on the bottom scale of bad so I feel very fortunate.

    (Ian re-reads that last sentence and realises he really *does* have a positive mental attitude – result!)

  6. *Ouchhh* Gout is not nice :o(

    …..it’s tofu for you! I’ve known a few people with gout and I have to admit, none of them were the ‘underfed or underwatered’ types! ;o)

  7. I should point out at this stage in the proceedings that I am *not* as corpulent as one might reasonably expect from the sentence: “Ian is off sick, he has gout”. 🙂

  8. LOL.

    I haven’t heard this song for ages – reminds me of sweaty and smokey pubs in the 1970s! 😀

    Hmm Ann Boleyn – she was literally head-over-heels in love with Henry VII wasn’t she?

  9. That would be Henry VIII and Ms. Boleyn. And Kathryn Howard lost the race to remain Queen of England by a neck, as it were.

    Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced beheaded survived . . .

    I happen to be smarter than a 5th grader on English history. :o}

  10. Try typing without your contacts in/glasses on. 🙂 It’s a good way of creating your own language, really.

    BD is good at American history, too. He didn’t get the name “Britannica Jack” for nothin’ 😀

  11. Yikes! Gout? Poor you. You’ll have to lay off the lobster thermidor then…

    Love the YouTube vid! But I thought it was Joe Brown.

  12. Lol, I feel for you I really do. One of my co-workers was felled by gout last year, and while he has never sat on the tudor throne, he does enjoy gargling brandy, and he never spits it out!

  13. heeheeheehee .. although I’ve had gout in my thumb .. which is apparently “very unusual” … thought it was about to explode and told the receptionist that .. to which she replied “exploding thumbs aren’t good .. best come in and wait” .. ahhhh the NHS!

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