Life…it’s computerised

Yesterday, inspired by New Order and a week-old drunken viewing of The Chemical Brothers DVD, I bought myself a keyboard synthesiser and some studio recording and sequencing software. This is not a comment. It’s a warning to The Chemical Brothers because after playing with various patches and sequences it’s now clear I’m going to dominate the music charts and summer festivals with my own peculiar brand of electro-heavy two-fingered-arpeggio beats and they’re not going to get a look in. What with my existing fab guitar pedal (previously blogged) and ukulele it’s just as well Jimmy Hendrix is no more or he’d have to set fire to the rest of his guitars to keep up.

It’s not a mid-life crisis. Honest.

Part of the problem right now is, having parted company with my most recent femme fatale, I’ve got a struggle on my hands to not throw myself into my work 24/7 or troll off down the many many local bars – a side effect of living in the theatre district – and get hammered on TVRs with my drunken friends who need no stronger excuse than “I’m in Café Rouge, meet me next door to collect your alcohol rations in 10 minutes“.

We did that a few days ago. It was messy. We ended the evening, sat in the vodka bar, drinking blackjack shots and something with strawberries and what looked like crushed ants in it watching two barely-clothed girl members of the public doing the “I’ve had too many JD and cokes” dance. They amused us but, frankly, we were just as amused by the DJ who looked older than me and provoked a heavy-duty alcohol-fuelled discussion on whether or not I should return to DJing. Whilst intoxicated I always hear a little heart string snap inside my head when I remember my days “banging out the choons“. Sober, I remember the effort involved and the sheer contempt I felt for the dancing revellers after 10+ years of hearing every possible cheesy joke and drunken entreaties to play some mis-remembered song that clearly did not fit the mood of the evening.

It was a laugh though. I was relatively successful and made a bit of a name for myself. Meh. I can’t go back, I’d only get those urge-to-kill feelings again. Plus I have a restraining order.

So now, to avoid this I fiddle with computerised keyboards and attempt to make sounds like the Human League did in the 1980s. Or I surf the net too much (people with FaceBook accounts will be aware of this already). Or I cook. My current trend is for fish. Fish is good for you isn’t it?

Mind you, when you surf the net you do find some weird gems like the one below – some people obviously have similar problems with the question “what shall I do today?

Laters, peeps.


4 thoughts on “Life…it’s computerised

  1. I think your wikkid choon skilz somewhat shite over my hitherto admirable efforts with a Casio PT-1 handheld (literally) keyboard that only allows you to play one key at a time. And your equipment is genuinely fantastic. (If you’ll pardon the expression).

    Nevertheless, I rule at playing that Axel F tune. If Eddie Murphy heard me play, it would sweep him back to happier, better days.

    How do you get hammered on television remote-controls?

    Also, fish is great, aye. (My housemates don’t agree, as the house now smells of poached cod. So fish is only specifically great).

  2. Ah the Casio PT-1, you gotta go polyphonic baby, pol e phonic.

    Plus, TVRs….clearly wrong acronym… 😛 Tequila, Vodka Red Bulls….but then you knew that didn’t you, you naughty scamp.

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