Are we nearly there yet?

Oh, hello! Yes, it’s me. I used to be on 20six before The Great Platform Change slaughtered most of their decent blogs and made it very tricky to win friends and influence people for those that remained. Technically I’m still over there but I’ve password protected the old blog for reasons which I’ll explain in good time…

If you’ve come to this blog then you’re either:

  • A friend and I told you about this blog. If I was drunk at the time I now regret telling you so please go away. If I was sober at the time then you are SO going to be disappointed at the content. If I was sober at the time and was attempting to persuade you to remove your clothing then (assuming I was successful) you have already learnt to associate disappointment in connection with me and therefore – welcome to my blog!
  • Or you are a friend of a friend I told who then blabbed and told you about this blog. You can stay, subject to the same caveats as above. I forgive The One That Blabbed but the only kind of Christmas cards they will get from me now will be the ones with that rubbish glittery stuff that comes off all over your fingers.
  • Or you saw me comment on someone else’s blog and thought “what an marvellous chap he seems, I must go and read his blog“. Once again, prepare for a surprise – and not the kind that you get when a bank clerk accidentally fills the 10 quid dispenser in the cash machine with 50 pound notes.
  • Or perhaps you arrived here at random, maybe by googling something which forms part of a sentence I also happen to have mentioned like, er, I don’t know – “I am glad to see there is a total absence of naked pictures of Davina McCall“. To continue a theme…prepare for disappointment.

Oh, and of course there is the final category of punctuation’s blog reader (or PBR as I will now refer to you) and that is the one that deliberately googled something in my blog in the hope that they would find me and all my libellous, bitchy, back-stabbing, gossip-mongering, tale-telling, secret-blabbing, confidence-betraying, mickey-taking, mind-bending, did-that-really-happen-making, time-wasting glory. There is a name for you – a stalker. (Help!)

OK, to fill in some missing facts for those that know me of old; I password-protected my 20six blog after one of my colleagues started quoting me snippets from it. At one point he started communicating solely in rhyme as one section he was reading contained some of my poems, har har har humph. Having my blog found by people I’d prefer not to has happened to me loads of times over the years. I’ve been blogging since Blogger.com first set up (they even sent me a free official Blogger hoody when Google bought them as I was a “Pro Blogger” – get me). I also used to have several webcams trained on me whilst I danced naked for pin money whilst I worked “hard” writing computer programs for people.

This public visibility meant that I frequently had work colleagues, members of the family and random nutters take me to task over something I’d said that they thought made them look bad (moi?) or I would receive screen grabs of compromising web cam pictures of me, generally when I had put my finger somewhere it shouldn’t be.

Meh. I have no shame and blogging became a way of life for me in the sense that I found it cathartic to write out the experiences of the day (or the week or the month, I’m quite lazy). Sometimes good things happened too. My youngest step-daughter – with whom I was at war at the time, teenage girls…eek – actually cried real tears when I said something nice about her when I was recalling her childhood. An interesting effect since I had said similar nice things many times in person to her but it apparently seemed more real when she read it on screen. Lesson learnt. Blogging also enhanced my already good relationship with my sister-in-law since she was a blogger too and we shared many idle chats in her kitchen describing the antics of various fellow bloggers (and expressing concern at a few too – there are some real fruit loops out there).

I lived my life vicariously through bloggers like Sammy, Pete, The Boy (he knows who he is), Voddy, SGT, Slytherin’s greatest fan and the intriguingly naughty Cardy Lady.

…and then my life got…’complicated’.

20six decided to change the software they used on the until-then-excellent blogging platform. This resulted in huge unrest and mass decampment to things like Platform27, Blogger and here at WordPress. Some (Voddy) stopped blogging altogether such is the fragile nature of these things.

Oh, and there was the matter of me hating the place I worked at and the fact that my marriage was, yet again, going down the toilet. 🙂

But it’s all lovely now. WordPress is pretty. My mind is once again sufficiently unhinged that I can write blog entries again and enough people around me are mental enough to provide endless hours of material for me to write about. None of them are quite as mental as Daxflame but it’s sometimes a close call…

Remind me to tell you about:

  • Otters that hold hands [everyone go ahhhhhh]
  • Being teatotal for eight months
  • Drinking alcohol again after being teatotal for eight months
  • Boring software exhibitions that turned into free bars with naked dancers – result!
  • Getting a British Ambassador drunk. So drunk he could not stand (and his similarly drunken and very pretty assistant who had flashing red devil horns on her head). And I have pictures.
  • Getting back together with my second wife.
  • Splitting up again from her.
  • Being fine with both.
  • Ladies that send me naked picture messages of themselves.
  • Finally telling my lunatic boss: “you’re fired”. Woo hoo!
  • Getting a job with the guy who helped me get the ambassador drunk.
  • Learning all about NLP. Then thinking it might be dodgy. Then learning all about body language. Then thinking everybody was either lying through their teeth or was having an affair with the person on the desk opposite them. (Note that throughout this period I was teatotal – let that be a warning to you).
  • Random food I’ve cooked. Cooking is one of my hobbies. I’m also learning to play electric guitar but blog entries about being able to successfully play a bar chord is not as rivetting as “cooked a whole peacock in a vodka and persimmon sauce”.

Plus several other things. I may have to bend the facts a little to protect the guilty but, well, my life’s a bit of an open book apart from that.

Current status: Single.

Current Living Conditions: Living on my own in a very trendy flat in the theatre district of Milton Keynes.

Current Occupation: Computer Programmer for a company run by an idiot.

Future Occupation (in 2 weeks): Head of Research and Development for a company run by a drunkard.

Current Alcohol Intake Level: 6.5 on the Jeffrey Bernard scale.

…and yes, I’ve already found a bug in the WordPress software to do with unordered bullet point lists…

Happy blogging.

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